Cancer, Oxygen, “Pull-the-plug”

The day had the usual chauffeured runs but the theme seemed to revolve around sudden shocking news or reactions. 

 

Early in the day I took a lady whom I have come to respect as a shy but demanding lady with a very soft heart.  On our way to the appointment she revealed to me that she had been “diagnosed with cancer” and was still in shock by the news.  I told her how sorry I was and offered to keep her in my thoughts to which she was greatly appreciative. 

Mid-way through the day I met a courier in the lobby with oxygen tanks for a resident (Mr F) and with Mr F’s permission took the courier to his room to deliver the new canisters (five total) and to take three he had used.  As you may remember Mr F is a well learned man but is in need of oxygen continuously.  He now requires at the minimum 5 tanks of oxygen to stay comfortable in a 5 day period.  Scary when one thinks about it.

At the end of the day I took Ms E to the south end and she had seen me with the oxygen man and she commented on how she had remembered Mr F to be so vibrant walking everywhere without any medically required devices just a year ago.  We both commented on how so many people have been failing over the years since the building opened and it was sad to watch them get to near-end points in their lives. 

It was at this point that she made a statement that I am sure many feel at the residence.  “If I ever get to the point, where I would need oxygen, or some other help to continue living, I told my family through my Will to “pull-the-plug”.  “I want no resuscitation.”

[Many people are definitely programmed to try to “survive” by any means they can.  Our medical system and technology has extended our lives with gadgets and gas.  Some people don’t want to extend it if it is a burden to anyone.  I am sure you will agree with me that when you or I get to that state we will want to make it happen painlessly and peacefully and fast – to just “pull-the-plug!]

Intellect and Intensity

Mr. and Mrs. F are cultured and intelligent and are very quiet for the most part.  Each is never seen without the other and their loyalty and love for each other is obvious. Mr. F is well read and obviously very interested in many topics.  Having lived in BC they compare but also are keenly interested in Halifax and NS.  They participate in all trips such as grocery and shopping trips as well as the weekly city tour.

On the longest trip in 2013 we went on a wine tour in the valley.  We had a full bus that day and visited Luckett’s Winery and Grand Pre Winery.  After eight samples of wine and lunch, the quiet and reserved Mr. and Mrs. F truly loosened up and I must say needed each other even more than emotionally but to hold each other up.  They showed how much they enjoyed and intensely took in everything they did and will do together.

If there is something to remember as a driver for a city tour I take it very seriously to research a trip before going and if there was going to be a question for which I needed an answer, it often came from Mr. F 

Mr F was rushed to the hospital in late 2015 with breathing problems… he was admitted and soon after released.  He wanted me to bring him home.  His wife came along.  He is never without oxygen and has stopped his daily walks which could be hours in length.

 

Both Mr and Mrs F have failed significantly in early 2016 and although still with us using the services less and less and each can get assistance medically within the residence.

Wealth and Company

Mr R and Ms E stay together in one of the larger suites at the residence.  She cares for his needs as he struggles with age.  Having been a very prominent and now wealthy resident, but very down-to-earth, he demands, in a very subtle way, the respect he has earned.  He almost always uses taxi’s as he doesn’t like to book and sit with others in a vehicle, so most of the time I transport Ms E instead.

Ms E likes to ask me if I “still like my job?”, or “am I still going to be driving?”.  I am not entirely sure what her motive is for asking but I reply with “are you still going to use the van?” to which she catches on and snickers. 

Her trips are usually only if the weather is bad or Mr. R is not going anywhere.  They include Fred’s Hairstyling or the bank where she used to work as an administrator.

Wealth needs company and doesn’t always find happiness alone.  Mr R and Ms E went to Florida and only after two weeks returned as he had taken ill.  He remains ill to this day (three months later) at the time of this entry. 

In 2015 Mr R passed away, and Ms E moved to a condo.

[Once together, now apart.  Fortunately Ms E lives with her sister and enjoying a very happy independent life.  I have never seen a couple as unassuming as these two even though without question at a Class above the entire building. ]

Never Letting Go

Ms J started life in England then made it to Canada.  She married twice and into money.  She had a hard life growing up with a strict father who discouraged her, but Ms J has conquered the barriers. She became a teacher after an education in England.  She held teaching jobs in Canada then retired. 

 

Her story is often told of her meeting her husband and how he could have become an Admiral in the Navy but decided he didn’t want to “drive a desk” and would rather “drive a ship”.  He was up there in the navy but passed away suddenly.  Ms J retells her story because it is her way of keeping those memories fresh.  The shock she lives is constant. 

 

Ms J received news in 2013 that she had breast cancer and had to have a mastectomy.  A week after being told that news, she broke her ankle. (Add insult to injury eh?) The cast and procedures around the cast became her obsession.. in fact it was as if (as one resident said) "she had found gold."  It was her way of receiving attention that she desperately missed.  The removal of her breast was the same. One would have thought she would go through this highly emotional distress of being something lesser than a woman but instead she broadcasted her situation every chance she got.  In fact in the van she now worries about the seatbelt as it may not fit properly from left to right and she’ll have to sit in the other seat.  Psychologically she never lets go of what she was and what she remembers and whatever happens now allows her to seek attention.  In a way it is sad and seemingly abnormal, but in reality it is her way of living and “never letting go”.

Many residents turn or try to look busy when Ms J walks into the room, but what she needs is love and support.  The competitiveness of this community shows even to someone who attempts to beat each thing anyone has done because she must – her quest was to stand up for herself to her father and she has done so ever since.  Keeping up appearances is more important than they know to this lonely lady.  She is now going through sixteen treatments (one per day) for her cancer and seems weaker after only three.

Ms J survived all those treatments and still resides at the residence in a relatively “confined” capacity on the extended care floor.  Her eyesight is going because of diabetes and servers have to steer her away from the dessert rack.  She cannot leave the building without a care worker.

As often as she is shunned by the people of the building she is never ignored by the chauffeur even though I can do little to relieve her of each situational issue.

Why the Treatment?

Mr. T grew up in the south end and was living in a townhouse with his wife in the north-end.  His dear wife passed away suddenly and after heart issues he decided to live at the residence.  Mr. T traveled across Canada in an RV with his wife several times and he recalls all of his vehicles and his hunting and fishing trips on his regular daily drive to Point Pleasant Park for his hour and a half walk.

One morning he dropped down as usual and the concierge was working to rule and could not promise him a ride at the time he wanted and offered him an alternate time.  He was taken aback as he “always got a ride when Paul was free.” (my fault – I usually tried to accommodate).  It was at the same time I walked in and he saw that I was possibly free and he asked me directly if he could get a ride to P.P. Park to which I replied that I had to check the schedule to make sure.  All was fine and I nodded to the concierge that it was “all good”.

Mr T got into the van.. no help needed for this able man, and while on the way down Tower Road to the upper entry of Point Pleasant Park, he asked me if “that girl at the desk was full-time?”  I said “Yes”.  He asked if she "was looking for another job?".  I said that I wasn’t too sure, but she had commented about a promotion.  He remarked that he could see himself “coming to blows with her” to which I laughed questionably.

As an independent resident at the residence he figured the van was at his beck and call, however he soon learned he had better book ahead.  He also was not used to having to ask for a ride and being treated like that.  His independence was his concern and now he had to adjust. Mr T uses the van strictly for grocery trips or blood tests now.  He has fallen a couple of times for no reason and I believe this scared him.  He had failed a lot now in 2015 and showed his advanced age even more. 

 

He fell again and was now in need of a wheelchair for walks and this took away his enthusiasm.  After a couple months with a care giver his family moved him to Dartmouth closer to his family and cheaper accommodations.

Sometimes we need to remember that all that glitters is not gold and this diamond in the rough found out the hard way at a residence far above his "class" status.  Sad commentary in a way but I have a feeling he is having a ball on the other side of the harbour.

Outliving the Kids

Ms C is the most amazing lady you could ever meet.  She was a vibrant and loyal wife and mother and she talks of family a lot with one thing that stops her – she is 96 and has lost 3 of her 4 children to cancer or related illness. 

She feels guilty and during a drive she is so grateful and ashamed that she is putting me out.  When I ask her how she is making out, she is always “okay, I guess” .. it appears as if she doesn’t want to feel good as it may take from the misery she feels losing her kids over a twenty month period. 

I attended the latest funeral of her daughter, and felt so moved that I donated my time that day so I could give her respect.  I took three ladies to the same funeral in the bus and they were moved to tears when they learned the drive was “my gift”. 

Ms C had a couple of falls and at now 98 she has lost her confidence somewhat and uses the van more often to avoid another fall.

Made It!!!

Mr. and Mrs. P are happy people who found it hard to adjust and tried to hang on to as much of normality as possible. 

One morning, Mr P needed a lift to the QE2 (Robie) and after previous attempts, days before, to park his own vehicle or getting caught in a lineup of fifty people decided to hop into the van to get to an early morning x-ray. 

The concierge of the previous day booked the van for him along with two others which was quite normal several mornings each week. I planned my route and off we went.  The trouble that morning was that the first lady to be dropped off had confused her appointment location and we were going in the opposite direction and she piped up so I would turn back to get her to the right one.  I conceded much to an obvious anxious Mr. P who had ten minutes to get to his appointment.

Although I knew we had plenty of time he was not so sure and kept asking if we would make it.  I dropped the second person off and as we were making our way to his location I assured him we were on time, and indeed we drove in one minute before he was to be there.  You could see the relief in his eyes and with a sigh he expressed how impressed he was with that route planning and he sped off.

You see, the problem was, Mr. P had an x-ray and had a huge volume of liquid stirring in his system with every motion of the van and he thought he would have soiled the van.  I felt for him as he quickly made his way to the desk at the QE2.

But, he made it!!!  He has used the van many times to get to QE2 and the banks ever since and is always very grateful.  People who used to be independent must find it very hard to depend.

[It is interesting at times trying to ensure everyone gets to an appointment on time and over the last three years I have learned to find the best route possible to avoid stressing anyone out (including myself).]

“My wife; my wife”

Late in 2015 a new lady, Mrs J moved into the residence.  She was not alone; in fact her sister moved in with her.  After settling in and getting used to the amenities available to her including the chauffeur service, she decided to take a ride to visit her husband on the Vets Memorial Hospital.  He had been living there for over three years and is in a very advanced stage of dementia. 

 

After several trips and getting to know each other, one day I asked her how Mr J was.  She was very gracious and replied that he was not all that well but “he knew she was there”. 

 

She commented that one way he knows her is of course her voice which he has heard for over sixty-six years of marriage.  Another way was her perfume, always familiar to him, and most touchingly he would hold her hand and feel for the wedding rings on her left hand and that always confirmed it truly was his dear wife.

 

It is that single recognition that sparks a glint in her eye every time she relates it to me.   Mr J is 93 years old at the time of this entry and Mrs J visits him daily.  His son visited him one day and he uttered in such a way as to request it, “my wife; my wife”.  He did not know his son but asked for her through him. 

 

It is this kind of thing that helps me realize just how important a ride is to so many lonely people living at the retirement residence.

Just In Case

Mrs C is a straight walking, classy lady whom you would never think was as up in age as she is.  She has been with us for almost 3 years now and came down to the desk one evening just recently (and after we lost a fine resident) wanting to leave a couple of additional phone numbers in case something happens or she passes away.  "Her Grandson, can be reached in Dartmouth. Her son-in-law, can be reached (but is in Florida for the winter.)"   Our desk staff maintains such records for residents and family.

 

It is sad when one lives with fear of both living and possibly dying alone! 

 

This lady is ninety-eight years of age.  She has lost three of her four children and often comments that (or questions why) she is outliving her family.  We have to assure her that there are many older than she is and have no family at all.  She is grateful for the one remaining son but still grieves daily. 

 

God love her.

Determined Disability

Ms J suffered a stroke and has lost the use of left arm and leg (the whole side actually).  She can stand on both legs but requires a special cane and lots of support when entering or exiting the van or bus.  Mr J is a patient down-to-earth gentleman who truly loves his wife as he patiently helps her around and is always seen with her.

Physiotherapy was a weekly requirement for Ms J and she went alone using the chauffeur service.  She made her way to the van slowly but always with a smile and appreciation for the drive around the corner.  I have equipped the van with a special tool that sits in the open hook on the door frame at the seat level.  Ms J used this leverage tool to help her support herself as she got in and out , while I lifted her lifeless leg into the van. 

Her determination every time she walks to lunch, dinner or out to her car or my van and to eventually stand and walk on that leg truly inspires me.  In 2015 she fell 4 times in two days, startling herself every time.  Her memory is playing tricks on her now and she has appointments made that do not exist.  She now goes everywhere with a care worker to help her.  But oh how she loves to go.

 

Lately the doctors have told her that she is basically wasting her time with 'physio'.  She was naturally demoralized but has accepted this and stays inside in her "grounded" state.

 

Mr J is showing his age and when anyone sees this fine couple making their way they are treated with great respect and obvious admiration.

 

May God bless Ms J as she copes with her disability with a strong determination and Mr J for his strong love for his precious wife.

 

We all could learn about relationships when faced with such adversity.

 

 

"Gotcha!"

Ms P is a great example of everyone’s grandmother.  She offers advice and unconditional respect and support.  She appreciates life and at her advanced age is often heard saying “aging ain’t for sissies’”. 

Originally from Sydney CB, Ms P grew up in a large family and had to endure the hardships of poverty as the family grew. 

While on the way to an appointment we were commenting on the Public Gardens and how nice they were.  We talked about how there must have been thousands of weddings and prom pictures taken there.  She told me how, when she was a little girl, her mother brought her to the gardens and they always loved playing near the little bridge.  We both knew there were wedding pictures by the hundreds on that very bridge.

I asked her if she had her wedding pictures taken there – she said “nah.. that was a long time ago on the Island.”  I asked her if she had her prom picture taken there.  She again said no but added that she "never got to go to the prom."  Of course this made me ask her why.

She related to me that she never made the prom because the teacher had failed her English exam so she didn’t pass grade twelve until after summer school so prom was out.  She also said that her teacher had been on a trip to Europe and he was more interested in telling his stories about his trip then helping with English.  That infuriates her to this day.

She did, however, graduate and achieved a Bachelor of Arts degree from Mount Allison University.  She then said with a grunt “and you’ll never guess who I saw there on the faculty?”.. of course I asked “who?” She was quick to reply “it was that crazy teacher that had failed me back in grade twelve.”  She laughed and said: “I wanted to look him in the face and say ‘gotcha!’ but couldn’t”.

Ms P is always so grateful for a ride and although she is losing her sight she takes a City Tour every now and again “just to get out.”

[It is people like this that make my job so interesting.  One can be feeling down or feel unaccomplished and when you hear a story that was hurtful or discouraging from such wonderful people as Ms P you realize just how human everyone really is and how lucky you really are – especially to have met them]

Marital ‘Status’

Mr. P sits in a wheelchair having suffered a debilitating stroke & Mrs. P is with him for every meal every day.  Mrs. P reserves tables for particular people that she and Mr. P prefer to eat with.  The status of the people help others see what she has accomplished in life – proper friends, proper conversation and proper recognition. 

 

As the former business owners of a successful company on Spring Garden Road Mr. and Mrs. P truly have accomplished a lot.   I was the first one Mr. P met from the residence as I had the great opportunity to transfer him from a hospital.  I can call him by his first name every time I see him.  He is a gentleman, and soft spoken.  When Mrs. P needs a trip for blood work at the very start of my shift, I get the van!  When Mr. P needs a trip to the doctor the bus is prepared.  When Mrs. P wants to go to the gardens for a one way walk back, I see that it happens. 

 

Status is what they are all about but status is what they deserve and I like giving it back as I help them both get around.